Pun's Top 5!

So I apologize for the delay, but here is my much awaited (by the one or two people who regularly read this blog) top 5 beers...also a dynamic list.

1. Spaten Oktoberfest
2. Aventinus
3. New Glarus Belgian Red
4. Weihenstephaner Korbinian Dopplebock
5. Four Peaks Brewery RAJ IPA

It is not surprising that my top 5 is similar to Justin's, but there are a few differences...I could keep going as there are so many tasty beers out there. Going local, the papago orange blossom is good, but almost too sweet. Firestone Walker is putting out some good beers, the double barrel ale is awesome. I really want to check out the John Henry 3 lick spiker ale but have yet to find it...anyway that's my list and I'm sure I will have some additions and subtractions once Justin finally sends me some good brews from his area...Oh yeah and another honorable mention is the goose island matilda...I'm out.

"I think we brewed a f-ing wine cooler." (2South Brewing update)

Our first foray into the world of brewing is now being consumed by those of you closest to the source. 2South Brewing InagurALE (my name; probably not original) actually turned out drinkable. This is shocking as our early samples led us to believe the batch was tainted and would be completely undrinkable. In reality, we made a very decent (albeit generic) pale ale.

Our second attempt at brewing got a little more adventurous. We made a flitered wheat beer that we decided to spike with about five pounds of frozen organic raspberries during the fermentation process. As kids with severe A.D.D. are wont to do, we sampled this beer far before it was supposed to be ready. Our reaction? "I think we brewed a fucking wine cooler." It's not terrible, but the raspberries raped this beer of any wheat purity it could have had. No matter though- it SHOULD settle down in the coming weeks as it bottle ferments.

For any of you who are interested in sampling our wares, leave me a comment. Bottles will be sent to you, free of charge.

Next up: A vanilla bean-laced oatmeal stout. Yeah, we're going to bite off my new favorite beer cocktail.

Stay tuned...

Beer Tasting, Volume XI

Apologies for the hiatus, people. Spent too much time palling around with the hard-A lately, and, let's be honest- that's not good for anyone. Back to the beer...

Beer: Breckenridge Brewery's Oatmeal Stout and Breckenridge Brewery's Remarkable Vanilla Porter

Style: Oatmeal Stout and Porter

Consumption Method: Two 12 oz. bottles, split, and combined in a pint glass.

Alkyhol Content: 4.95% and 4.7%

Label: I wouldn't call any of Breckenridge designs "badass" but I like their branding and logo work. Their label designs really do have a "Denver" feel to them. I may be brainwashed, but I don't care.

Why Did I Buy This Beer and What the Hell Did I Do to It? Okay, so I've had each of these beers before. On their own they are both fantastic representatives of their respective styles. I prefer an oatmeal stout to be served on nitrogen, but the Breckenridge model is so creamy and low carbonated that if I were more intoxicated I may not notice. It's also not a very sweet stout, which I like, but find hard to drink more than a couple of. The Breckenridge Oatmeal Stout is one of the more bitter stouts I've had- a pronounced hop flavor (rare in a stout, in my opinion) and bitter black coffee aftertaste lend to this. I love the Vanilla Porter by itself- the real Madagascar vanilla beans impart an aroma and richness so intoxicating that I almost don't need to drink this beer to get drunk. I also love real vanilla flavoring because it's incredibly rich without being cloying. However, vanilla is such a dominant flavor and aroma that, to me, gets very tiring and very overwhelming very quickly. So much so that I couldn't distinguish anything about the porter part of the Vanilla Porter (I was actually okay with that- I'm not a big porter fan). In any case, I thought I could make each of these beers better simply by mating them. Now what happened when these beers made sweet vanilla-y love in my pint glass? Read on...

Is This Beer Any Good? My resulting beer cocktail was fucking awesome. Let me just take an opportunity and pat myself on the back for this one. The boisterous vanilla was cut nicely by the bitter hops and coffee producing something akin to an alcoholic vanilla latte. These beers are infinitely more drinkable together than they are apart. Sure, I lose some of the characteristics of the individual styles, but I think that porters and stouts are so similar (with their dark roasted malts, chocolatey notes, and smokiness) that I was able to get away with this one.I think I will start drinking this mixture in the morning.

This Beer Would Pair Well With: Breakfast, bitter chocolate, cherries, and girls.

More on Sierra Nevada: http://www.breckenridgebrewery.com

Conclusion: I'm honestly ready to put this beer alongside your Black and Tan, Black and Blue, Snakebite, and whatever the hell else all the cool kids drink. I just wish the stout was on nitro because it would stay separated from the porter. They are ALMOST the same color, so I'd love to see if it made a difference. Anyway, best beer cocktail I've ever made.

Top 5 Beers (A Dynamic List)

As of Friday 10/2, here are my Top 5 Favorite Beers of All-Time, ranked in order of preference:

1.) Bells Two Hearted Ale

2.) New Glarus Wisconsin Belgian Red

3.) Spaten Oktoberfest

4.) Aventinus

5.) Sierra Nevada 2009 Southern Hemisphere Harvest Fresh Hop Ale

Honorable mentions that could crack the top 5 at any time, depending on mood: Bells Hopslam (the only IPA where I can detect hints of pineapple), New Belgium Hoptober, New Glarus Spotted Cow (best session beer ever), St. Bernardus Abt 12, Paulaner Hefe-weizen (only on draft in Germany), Four Peaks Oatmeal Stout (creamy nitrogen goodness!).

This list is sure to change. Check back often.

Pun, your top 5?

Beer Tasting, Volume X

Beer: Sierra Nevada 2009 Southern Hemisphere Harvest Wet Hop Ale. A little wordy, eh Sierra Nevada?

Style: "Wet Hop" Pale Ale. The phrase "wet hop" does not endear this beer to the casual drinker. However, to me, this is most intriguing phrase I've seen on a bottle in a long, long time. In the case of this beer, the hops are boiling in the brew kettle within one week after being picked to create the freshest well-hopped pale ale possible. Due to the timing of this release, Sierra Nevada had to source hops from Australia as that is the only place on Earth (apparently) where hops are growing in the spring. So, this beer gives a solid middle finger to locavores in the name of freshness. And they succeed pretty well. Read on...

Consumption Method: Fat 24 oz. bottle poured into a pint glass. I really like this bottle. It has girth.

Alkyhol Content: 6.7%

Label: The label sort of looks like an old scroll and has a lot of information about how the beer came to be. I like a label to be informative, but I also like it to be badass. However, Sierra Nevada is consistent in their design and I respect them for that. I can't fault this label as a result.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? Again, I must mention Sierra Nevada's consistency. They have been brewing fantastic pale ales for almost as long as I've been alive. I make it a point to try all of their ales as I am never let down. In fact, I would pick their Torpedo IPA as one of the best beer values on the market. I believe I paid $8 for a six pack of one of the top 5 IPAs that I've ever tried. However, this review isn't about their Torpedo. It's about the 2009 Southern Hemisphere Harvest Wet Hop Ale...

Is This Beer Any Good? Hell yes it's good. It's fucking scrumptulescent. It's the best beer I've had from Sierra Nevada. Where the Torpedo IPA has a slightly more alcoholic and bitter hop bite, the SHHWHA is perfectly balanced. The malt is not too sweet, the hops not too biting. In fact, I think I like this beer so much because the malt is so subdued that it's almost bitter and the hops are so fresh that they are almost sweet. This is the first ale of any type where I have gotten this sensation and I find it to be awesome. It's sort of like being attracted to a woman more for her personality than her looks. It's quite the rare thing, but when it happens, it's beautiful. I think I found my ale soulmate. I am in love with this beer, but I am still in lust with others (coughtwoheartedcough), which is why I can not name it my Favorite Beer Ever. I can put it in my top 5 though.

This Beer Would Pair Well With: Food-wise I would have to say Iberico ham and arugula, mostly because that's what I'm craving after drinking this beer. Otherwise I would say that this beer would pair really well with sexytime. Sexytime with the woman who has a great personality.

The Experts Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/140/52679

More on Sierra Nevada: http://www.sierranevada.com/ (beautiful website- copious amounts of hops)

Conclusion: Top 5 beer, no question. This poses a problem, however: I need to revisit my Top 5. Look for a new post with my current favorites.

Beer Tasting, Volume IX

Beer: New Belgium Lips of Faith (Transatlantique Kriek)
Style: Lambic ale with Polish cherries
Bottle: 22 oz.
Alcohol Content: 8%

I want to be upfront with you. This will be a tad bit different from my other beer reviews. There are a few reasons for this. One being I have had few large, high alcohol content beers already tonight. Two being I was watching the new Transformers movie. If you have not seen this movie, you can still follow along but it might catch you off guard. Also, I will be referencing an awesome Wisconsin brewery as well.

Now. If you haven't seen the new transformers, I recommend it. Lots of action from the start. As well as Megan Fox. She is extremely hot and she runs in slow motion(more on that later). Now while watching this movie and drinking this beer, I did realize one thing. There is another really hot chick in this movie( don't know her name but she is in the beginning). Even though she turns out to be a decepticon (evil robot for you non-transformers watchers) I would still totally tap that robot ass. That chick was hot.

Ok..On to the beer. This is a cherry beer. I generally like all things New Belgium, however this is not one of them. I paid over $15.00 for one bottle of this beer. It was money wasted. This beer was a collaboration with Brewerij Boon of Belgium. I also generally like all things Belgium. This is not one of them. Sam Adams (another of my favorite breweries) also puts out a cherry beer. The cherry wheat, this is another beer you should save your money on. GROSS!

If you either A) live in the midwest (a close drive to Wisconsin) or B) plan to visit the midwest(a close drive to Wisconsin) then you are in luck. Make it a point to get the best cherry beer on the planet (or at least in the Continental U.S.) New Glarus Belgian Red is the beer for you. This beer is fruity yes, but so worth trading in a few points on the man scale. I got to taste this beer in draft form, while eating beer cheese soup and cheese curds(apparently Wisconsonites like cheese). This is the cherry beer on HGH. This beer drops cherry bombs on your taste buds. I would sell my dogs nut sacks for this beer (side note, we are neutering my dogs in a few weeks and if you want them I will trade for this beer). Ok maybe not that crazy but still...you get the point. If you are reading this blog, you either know me(and my love for all things good beer) or my friend Justin ( and his love for all things good beer). We are cut from the same cloth!

I choose to close this review on an awesome note. First, I will not pay for this beer again. Yes, if someone gives it to me I would probably drink it again. It is definitely better than anything the big 3 can put out (with the exception of Blue Moon as I dig that beer)... Let me end with this. If New Glarus Belgian Red is the Megan Fox running in slow motion of cherry beers, then New Belgium Lips of Faith is the Rosanne Barr dancing to German Death Metal...Enjoy that mental image because I am out like a fat kid in dodgeball!

Beer Tasting, Volume VIII

Beer: Port Brewing Panzer Imperial Pilsner
Style: Imperial Pilsner
Bottle: 24 oz. This was a big boy!
Label: This label has a German Tank with a guy sitting on top with binoculars. Somewhat cool but could be even more bad-ass if the tank was blowing some shit up! Also tells a story on the label about the guy being a retired tank driver.
Why did I buy this beer?: Well lets not kid ourselves, the label has a Tank on it...Some of you don't know me well enough to know that my family members and close family friends call me Tank. And you all just thought I was big pun or Bo Diesel!!
Glass used: New Glarus pint glass...Is it just me, or does all beer taste better in this pint glass? What's that? You don't have a New Glarus pint glass? Hmmm Sounds like a personal problem to me!
Alcohol Content: This beer packs a punch coming in at 9.5%, but it definitely goes down smooth. You might not want to drive if you have more than one of these bottles, or if you live in AZ after one glass...Stupid DUI laws. Why can't we enjoy the beers without impairing our driving?
Initial Taste Note: This beer has some mild hops aroma and has a good citrus taste but then drops a malt bomb on you.
Secondary Taste Note: This beer doesn't blow you away with any crazy flavoring. It just goes down somewhat smooth and refreshing. Like a normal Pilsner on steroids.
If this beer were a celebrity: This beer would be Big Papi. Maybe not on steroids but definitely using some performance enhancers...Still very good though :-)
Last Taste Note: I apologize but I stepped out for some street vendor hot dogs between drinking this beer and writing the review. Not sure if that is good or bad, but the dogs were damn good. The beer was good too. Beer pairs quite well with hot dogs. Although they were not as good as hot dougs! mmmmmm duck fat fries. For those of you Arizonans who read this and do not know about hot dougs, go to Chicago and get your ass to hot dougs for some Chicago style dogs and duck fat fries (Friday and Saturday only for the friest)
Websites: Beer advocate: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/5318/45328
Port brewing: www.portbrewing.com/beer.html although I couldn't find this beer on their website. Maybe it is discontinued.
Summary: I would definitely drink this beer again. Even if I was not promised the glorious street vendor hot dogs with everything. I definitely would like to get this on draft. This beer was cold and refreshing after a long day of work. This beer made me want to blast some fools with an old German tank. Side note- after I win the powerball, I might buy an old German tank for shits and giggles. Second side note- I will make Papago brew schitzengiggles again, that beer was the bomb.

Beer Tasting, Volume VII

Beer: Abita Pecan Ale
Style: Brown Ale
Consumption Method: 12 oz. bottle poured into pint glass.
Alkyhol Content: 5.0%. I actually would have preferred a little more as it's turning frigid fast and I think the beer could have stood up to it. Why can't all beer just be imperial for fall/winter?
Label: Blah. Nothing remarkable here. Abita makes great beers but their design lacks. I would have loved a label with just a giant pecan, but I'm sure that's against FDA laws. Assholes.
Why Did I Buy This Beer? I've never had pecan beer, and I wanted to try pecan beer. "Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about?"
Is This Beer Any Good? Initially I would have said no. I didn't like the first half of my glass. I don't know if it was the food leavins from dinner or if the beer just needed to warm, but I wasn't feelin' anything about it. It tasted like a Newcastle on an introductory cycle of steroids, and that's not a good thing. If I were drinking this blind I would have guessed that it was a brown ale, but a mediocre one. As I hit the second half of the glass my opinion changed. Complete 180. The bitter nut flavor that was present in the beginning turned slightly sweet and lingered like Belgian trippels often do. I really enjoyed this by the time I was done. Thankfully I have five more.
This Beer Would Pair Well With: Galactic, crisp 40-degree air, and a mild cigar. Or, a bottle of Lagunitas Brown Shugga. Let each warm slightly, take one sip of each, shake vigorously, and enjoy the pecan pie baking in your mouth.

The Experts Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3/35134
More on Abita: http://www.abita.com/
Interesting Abita Tidbit that Probably Interests Nobody: Abita branding was featured prominently in the movie Waiting. I was not aware of Abita's existence before the movie. Because of this, I wrote off the brewery as a movie studio creation or southern regional crap. Then I tried a Turbodog based solely on the name and immediately reversed course. I guess that's my M.O. with Abita: Pass judgment, think better of it shortly thereafter.

Conclusion: I will be drinking the rest of this sixer with Galactic, crisp 40-degree air, and a mild cigar.

Beer Tasting, Volume VI

Disclaimer: I don't really care for typical food and beverage reviews for a couple of reasons. One, traditional descriptors and adjectives are limiting and over-used. I don't care if a beer or wine is "complex" or if a pate of foie gras is "rich." Of-fucking-course it is. It's supposed to be! Two (and I'm guilty of falling victim to this), consumers are sheep and will believe anything that is written, or what they want to believe. It's like my Momofuku experience- the food was amazing because I wanted it to be amazing. Anyway, I'm justifying why I'm not going down those traditional paths with my reviews. I like these reviews to be different and hope to get people to think about beer in an unconventional manner. I really do come up with this shit after drinking these beers.

Beer: Half Acre Daisy Cutter Pale Ale

Style: American Pale Ale

Consumption Method: 16 oz. draft. Yep, I left the house again.

Alkyhol Content: I'm going to guess 6.0%. This info isn't readily available and I'm too lazy to really search for it.

Label: No label, and I was served in a generic pint glass, but I really like Half Acre's corporate design, so I figured this would be a good place to link to their stuff again. Check it out HERE.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? First off, I was right across the street from where this beer is brewed, so I suspected this was probably the freshest beer I could have consumed at the time. Second, I like the name. Third, I was tipped off by a friend who was repulsed by the "bouquet" of hops on this beer. That intrigued me and sealed the deal.

Etymology: I suspect that this beer was named for the 15,000 lb. "daisy cutter" bombs used in Vietnam. The BLU-82, as they are known, were designed to instantly clear large swaths of jungle. Well, this beer is aptly named: it's a freaking hop bomb that eradicated my taste buds.

Is This Beer Any Good? Yes, but I'm biased. I love hops almost more than anything (except peanut butter and cleavage) and this beer doesn't disappoint. However, I do get the feeling that this beer is super-hoppy just for the sake of being super-hoppy. While that doesn't bother me, it would bother some, and I do think it limits the amount of these beers one could consume in a sitting. This is not a session beer. I concede victory, Daisy Cutter.

This Beer Would Pair Well With: 7L and Esoteric. Kneel when you feel the daisycutter!

The Experts Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/18006/48582

More on Half Acre: http://www.halfacrebeer.com/home.php They have a cycling team!

Conclusion: RAPPAPPATOW! (Listen to the song...)

Beer Tasting, Volume V

Beer: Southern Tier Pumking

Style: Something called "Imperial Pumpkin Ale"

Bottle: 22 oz. bottle. I think it's worth nothing that Southern Tier doesn't use traditional adhesive labels. They print all of the graphics and bottle information right onto the bottle. So, while this doesn't necessarily allow me to reuse the bottle for my own brewing endeavors, I respect the extra cost spent to do this and I think it adds a touch of differentiating class.

Alkyhol Content: 9.0%. I absolutely did not look at this before purchasing the bottle or cracking it open. I would have guessed 6.0%, 6.5 tops. The alcohol is very subdued. Thankfully (or not, depending on your drinking goals) this beer tastes too much like pie to get really schnockered off of. I imagine finishing the entire bottle sort of feels similar to polishing off an entire pie.

Label: While this label does not achieve levels of badassery like the current Supreme Dictator of Badass Beer Labels, I really like Southern Tier's use of bottle space and originality. There is a lot of information on this bottle. For example, Pumking is 19° plato, it uses puréed pumpkin for flavoring, and magnum hops for bittering. There is also an old Celtic folk tale about a creature that acted as some sort of pagan taxi. Seriously.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? My new favorite beer store has a marquee outside that was scrolling a message about pumpkin beers having arrived recently. I don’t really like pumpkin beers, but I do like big, bright, blinking signs telling me to do things, so I stopped in. I asked the friendly employee which pumpkin beer was not flavored with extract and I was directed to Pumking. I will probably ask for this guy’s recommendation again.

Okay, is this beer any good? A resounding yes. I expected to hate this beer. I actually wanted to hate this beer so I could further fuel my fruit and vegetable beer ignorance, but I just can’t. Pumking tastes like Grandma’s Thanksgiving Day pumpkin pie…if Grandma were drunk on spiced rum and spilled a little in the filling. You could easily mistake this beer for a pumpkin cocktail, if such a thing exists. It’s not super alcoholic tasting, but it has a subtle potent undertone, like a rum drink might.

This Beer Would Pair Well With: The easy answer would be any food you’d find in a Thanksgiving Day dinner. But screw that- I’m not taking the easy way out. I’d like to try this beer with Christmas Day dinner.

Initial Taste Note: Wow, this beer tastes like pumpkins! Would would have thought?

Secondary Taste Note: Pumpkins! Alcohol!

Tertiary Taste Note: I rather have this than pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pie makes me feel gluttonous. Pumking makes me feel warm, tingly, and philosophical.

The Only Educational Piece in this Blog: I have always wanted to know the history of imperial beers and how they came to be. Thankfully somebody else did too and did the work for me. So I will link to the awesome Airdale Brewing Blog (please visit) and let them tell you far more eloquently than my Pumking-addled mind can: http://airdalebrewing.wordpress.com/2009/02/11/“imperial”-beers-both-past-and-present/

Who would have thought that Imperial beers were created for Russian royalty? Unfathomable!

Fun Fact About This Beer That I Learned Via a Simple Google Search: Apparently “pumking” seeds are some sort of Cameroonian scam. I have no idea what it’s about, but it sounds like the e-mails I get from my British friends who suddenly came into a large fortune and want to funnel it to my bank account: http://www.forfarmers.com/organic/p/Pumking-Seed-Manufacturer.htm

The "Experts" Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3818/38394. Homeboy at the beer store was right. I will give him a tip next time.

More on Southern Tier: http://www.southerntierbrewing.com/

Rating/Conclusion: I have little to compare this beer to, but it passed all of my completely subjective tests. I'd buy it again. In fact, if I end up having Thanksgiving dinner by myself, I know what I’m getting lit on.

Pun's Manifesto

So there aren't many things that I am sure of but I do know a few things I am destined to do.
1. At some point in my life I am going to win the powerball (believe it or don't but it will happen)

2. I will end up with a smoking hot woman, but one with substance beyond her looks. She will be the total package. (Looks, brains, nice, likes sports, and beer)

3. I will own a bar and brew my own beer. Most likely after I win the powerball this will come into play, but it could happen sooner than that.

4. I will continue to hit home runs in softball, but not out of the park, I am destined to only score because of my speed on the bases. (and I am ok with that)

Now you are welcome to your own opinions of what I have declared above. I really don't care of you believe me or not, just don't be surprised when each of those come true. And certainly don't come looking for money when I win the powerball...The people I want to share my good fortunes with, will be well taken care of.

I think it is now important for me to share a few things about what I deem important when it comes to having things in common with someone you are dating. Please keep in mind that these next few things have nothing to do with whether or not the person is physically appealing. Nor do they take into account whether or not the person is smart. This is purely about sharing common interests. Besides, I believe in my declaration above, I have already pointed out that I will end up with someone both smart and beautiful.

Below are five things things that I enjoy a great deal and in order of importance.

1. TV- I come across this honestly, my dad is a TV junkie and so am I. This does not doom the woman as I even enjoy some of the girlier shows i.e. Grey's Anatomy, and some unnamed shows on the CW network.

2. Beer- It should be noted that choosing between beer and TV was pretty difficult for me. I really do love both of them, but I can enjoy TV more frequently than I can enjoy beer. However, beer can enhance my TV experiences. Also, please note that when I say I love beer, I do not mean the mass produced beers from the big 3 (bud, miller, coors). I do give them credit for starting to realize that they need to make other types, but my heart truly lies in the craft brewing industry.

3. Sports- My top three are really fairly close together and all go hand in hand. I love most sports, but I will give you my top ones in order, as well as the ones I do not like. Football is king in my world(college or pro I love them both), baseball comes second (however, I really only enjoy watching the Red Sox play), basketball, and golf. I do not watch hockey or tennis and that should cover the major sports. If I left one out that you are a fan of, please don't let that sway your fandom, it just means I don't care enough to put it in this blog.

3.5- I think it should be noted that not only is watching sports important, but also playing them. I play basketball and softball regularly.

4. Music- I really like rock, some country, some pop, jazz, and some hip hop. I can go to concerts or just listen to the radio, either way works for me.

5. Food- I try to eat healthy, but certain food items are musts once in a while. For this particular entry I love pretzels (more importantly German authentic pretzels with spicy mustard)

Now that we have those five things taken care of, I think we can get to the good stuff. Whoever reads this should know that I am a gentleman and do not take advantage of drunk women. I was not drinking in the story below and for those of you who think I'm a pussy or other expletives for not pursuing this further, you can pucker up and kiss my ass!

There is a girl that I am acquainted with, who is both cute and nice. I know for a fact that she is interested in me(she told one of our mutual friends). Now I have my own reasons for being skeptical about giving this person a chance. (hypothetically this person could work with me and it is never a good thing to "dip your pen in the company ink") I have been resistant to this person, but nice and not necessarily outspoken about my not wanting to pursue anything other than friendship. Lets also say hypothetically a group of us co-workers went out for happy hour and said mutual friend(who it should be noted wants me to date this person) keeps trying to wear down my resistance. Well lo and behold, slowly but surely all co-workers are gone but 3...Myself, cute girl, and friend of cute girl. Friend of cute girl needed to leave but was hesitant because cute girl was pretty drunk and she wanted to make sure she would be ok for the night. So I agreed to take care of her and make sure she made it home safely.

So while cute girl wanted to sleep in her car, I decided we should get some food and I picked a place closer to her part of town so I could drop her off at her house and not let her sleep in her car. So we go to get some chicken tenders and french fries. (editors note, she hates skinny fries...that is frankly bordering on un-americanism) On the way to the restaurant I had decided that I would use this time to get to know more about this girl and see if it would be worth pursuing further.

One, I had already known that this girl did not like beer. She said it tastes gross and although I know I have a beer that she would love (considering she likes fruity drinks) I knew better than to bother trying to make her see the light. So...Strike one!

While at the restaurant I discovered that she does not like sports. Not that she isn't into football or baseball or basketball. Not that she just doesn't watch them on tv, but she just "doesn't care for or follow sports...period" So...Strike two!

Also, at the restaurant I learned that she pretty much only listens to techno. I on the other hand do not listen to techno and couldn't even tell you who anyone in that industry is. For these purposes we'll call that one a foul ball...Not an out but getting closer!

I also came to find out that she is a cat person. Everyone knows there are cat people and dog people. I happen to be a dog person. I have two awesome pups (Hops and Barley)...We will also call this one another foul ball!

I feel compelled to tell you that we were eating chicken tenders with honey mustard dipping sauce, french fries (but not skinny ones), and coleslaw...Upon dipping and biting into the first chicken tender I swear to you these were her exact words "This is some good ranch." I almost spit out my french fry from laughter. I also proceded to make fun of her for the duration of the evening for being a crazy cat lady and making a mess of herself. She spread coleslaw all over the table. I tipped the waiter 30% to make up for her drunkeness.

Back to the last realization. Upon learning that she was in choir in high school, I asked if she watched that Fox tv show (Glee, which happens to be good and about a high school show choir) she tells me that she doesn't get cable. I told her that this was on the free channel Fox and she then admitted that she doesn't really watch TV. Strike three! You're out!

At this point I realized things were doomed. I mean, I was struggling to come up with things to talk about and had to resort to making fun of her being drunk. What the hell do you talk about if you have zero in common? I have no idea and don't plan to waste more time trying to figure that out. I was still nice and a gentleman, holding open the restaurant doors and opening her car door for her.

On the ride to her place, we talked about traveling. We both like traveling which is cool. However, I came to learn that she doesn't even like pretzels or bread in general. Who doesn't like bread?! So I came to the conclusion that even our love for travel could not save this because while I love to travel, I usually plan my travel around the following things. Places where I know they have fantastic beer, sporting events, places where they have good food, and my friends who usually like to partake in the three things I just mentioned...Just sad.

I get to her place and she lives in an apartment complex that has a gate code. She didn't have her clicker or know the gate code, so at this point I just let her out of my car and figured she could walk her own self to her apartment. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and get a nice tasty brew.

In conclusion, I still look forward to meeting that person from number 2 above and realize that cute girl was definitely not her. Also hope that my friend who kept pushing cute girl on me will now leave me the hell alone since I've pretty much exhausted all topics of conversation and would have more luck stimulating my conversation by talking to a child who at least likes to watch television and eat pretzels.

2South Ale Update

Well, we are all bottled. I honestly have no idea if this beer is even going to be drinkable, but we'll find out in about two weeks after it has some time to condition in the bottles. Our pale ale is a bit cloudier than I had anticipated, but it looks like beer and smells like beer, so it must be a duck, right? Here are some of the photos so far:

Soaking the labels off of our borrowed bottles...


Improvising to create a bottle filling device...


Bottling!


Our super-badass bottle capper, thanks to Mr. Goebel!


Now we play the waiting game...

Beer Tasting, Volume IV

Beer: Founders Centennial IPA

Style: IPA, duh.

Bottle: Pint draft! That's right, sometimes I actually leave my apartment.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? This was a recommendation from a very enthusiastic waitress. I was feeling indecisive at a bar and asked for a suggestion. The waitress asked, "Do you like IPAs?" I replied, "Does the Pope shit in the woods?" She looked confused and brought me the IPA anyway. She claimed it was her favorite beer ever. I said that was a lofty claim and we got to talking about how Centennial is brewed in Michigan and tastes like camping and how it stacks up against my current favorite beer ever, Bell's Two Hearted Ale. We ultimately both concurred that Dick Bell is a, well, dick, and that we should like other beers more. Suffice to say that I'm not convinced, but Centennial was very decent nonetheless.

If This Beer Were a Female Celebrity, It Would Be: Jennifer Garner. You are hot. I have no problem with you. You are a very fine example of your kind. I would happily settle down with you for the rest of my life and not look back. You are good enough that I would not cheat on you with other female celebrities except for Marissa Miller (Bell's Two Hearted Ale).

Is This Beer Badass? Pretty much, yeah. It's not the Les Stroud of IPAs, but it's Bear Grylls. I'm okay with that. I would let this beer guide me through a swamp of hippos in Equatorial Africa.
This Beer Would Pair Well With: I'm craving brie cheese. I think this would really go well with brie. The best brie I've ever had was from Wisconsin. I love Wisconsin, mostly for their beer and their cheese.

Initial Taste Note: Skipping ahead...

Secondary Taste Note: Still skipping...
Tertiary Taste Note: Let's skip a little more...
Final Taste Note: I have been done with this beer for about an hour. And you know what? I can still taste the hops AND the malt in my mouth. This beer has literally burrowed into the little taste crevices in my mouth. Those little caves that are normally reserved for storing onion and cigar smoke are the site of a raging keg party attended solely by Cascade hops. The Cascades are poor party hosts though because they kicked the malt out of the party and onto my tongue. I really have a bizarre aftertaste sensation happening with this beer: lots of hop bitterness (lupulin!) lodged in my cheeks and some lingering malt flavor (bitter caramel?) stuck on my tongue. It's not bad, it's just very...interesting. I keep moving spit around in my mouth to reconcile the irregularity.

Fun Fact About This Beer That I Learned Via a Simple Google Search: This beer was named for a master-planned community 50 miles due north of Los Angeles.

The "Experts" Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1199/5441 - I can't say that I disagree with anything that was said. Maybe I'm an expert?

More on Founders: http://www.foundersbrewing.com

Rating/Conclusion: I'd happily drink this again, even over some of my "go-to" IPAs (60/90 Minute, Stone, Lagunitas). I would make it a go-to IPA, except that it's a little difficult to find at bars. Basically it's a tier-two IPA for me, with Two Hearted occupying the only tier one spot. Someday I will profess my undying love for Two Hearted on here...if I can find the words to do it justice.

Mind Over Matter?

This is the single most fascinating, engrossing article that I've read in a long time. I'm actually about to read it for a second time, just to make sure there wasn't something I missed while my jaw was dropped.

The article is about Jure Robic, a Slovene cyclist who might be the most prolific endurance athlete ever, despite the fact that he might be clinically insane.

It’s only then that the smile reappears, more nervous this time, as he pulls out a DVD and prepares to reveal the unique talent that sets him apart from the rest of the world: his insanity.

Basically, the guy dominates at ultra-cycling events (like racing across the entire United States) because he neglects rest...which causes him to slip into states of insanity.

Robic seems to regard his racetime bouts with mental instability as one might regard a beloved but unruly pet: awkward and embarrassing at times, but impossible to live without.

The article goes on to describe the hallucinations and why Robic is the way that he is. It's really a must-read. I implore you to read it. One last teaser quote:

The craziness is methodical, however, and Robic and his crew know its pattern by heart. Around Day 2 of a typical weeklong race, his speech goes staccato. By Day 3, he is belligerent and sometimes paranoid. His short-term memory vanishes, and he weeps uncontrollably. The last days are marked by hallucinations: bears, wolves and aliens prowl the roadside; asphalt cracks rearrange themselves into coded messages. Occasionally, Robic leaps from his bike to square off with shadowy figures that turn out to be mailboxes. In a 2004 race, he turned to see himself pursued by a howling band of black-bearded men on horseback.

‘‘Mujahedeen, shooting at me,’’ he explains. ‘‘So I ride faster.’’

His wife, a nurse, interjects: ‘‘The first time I went to a race, I was not prepared to see what happens to his mind. We nearly split up.’’

You couldn't make this stuff up.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/05/sports/playmagazine/05robicpm.html?pagewanted=all

McDonald's Density

If you are within the contiguous 48, you are never more than 145 miles (by car) away from a McDonalds.

Fascinating...and worrisome.

http://www.weathersealed.com/2009/09/22/where-the-buffalo-roamed/

The Pun!

Contributor numero dos has been added to this fine blog that nobody reads yet.

Pun will be contributing as he sees fit. His first post is just after this one- Beer Tasting, Volume III.

I'm excited to read more from my beer buddy.

Thanks Pun!

Beer Tasting, Volume III

Beer: Widmer Drifter Pale Ale
Style: American Pale Ale
Bottle: 12oz
Why did I buy this beer?: I was in a bar and there were few options other than Bud Light and miller light. Also, I will try any beer once!
Tap Handle: Lame. Just has the typical Widmer W and then Drifter Pale Ale. When sitting next to the Shiner Bock ram head tap handle it makes me not want to drink it.
Glass Used: 16 oz red party cup. Pretty lame for this bar to serve beer in plastic cups.
Food Eaten at the same time: None. Although I wish there was a good pretzel or something while I was drinking.
Initial Taste Note: This beer has some light citrus elements.
Secondary Taste Note: My second taste of this beer brings about the flavor you would get if you licked one of those pine tree air fresheners. I've never actually done this, but I can imagine that is what it would be like.
Tertiary Taste Note: If this beer were a celebrity it would be...Mr. Clean! Gotta love that Pine fresh scent...
Quaternary Taste Note: There was one shining light to this beer experience. There were go-go dancers at the bar and in the dark light even the tall Amazonian one looked hot while drinking this poor excuse for a pale ale.

http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/8/46767
More on Widmer: www.widmer.com

Rating: 3.14 I believe the rest of my review explains the low number.
Conclusion: This beer does not meet the standards for my liking. I will not drink this again. I will not drink this in a car, I will not drink this in a bar. I will not drink this pale ale...I will not drink this with a snail.

Imagined Conversations, Volume I

I hear many one-sided conversations each day as I ride the train. I don't know why people insist on talking on the phone on the otherwise silent train, but they do, and I listen to their conversations. These conversations are usually pretty entertaining because I only hear the side of the person on the train. So, as I am usually on my BlackBerry reading the news, I have started inconspicuously typing lines from these phone talkers so that I can imagine the full conversation for our collective enjoyment.

Conversation 1:

Other End: It was crazy! I was walking down Michigan Avenue today when a spontaneous sword fight broke out! It was tourists against business people and body parts were flying everywhere! A little old lady was decapitated right in front of me!

What I Heard: "God loves you, your head is still attached."

Conversation 2:

Other End: How long you think I can get away with downloading German poo porn during my work hours?

What I Heard: "You keep doing that and you're fired for gross misconduct."

Other End: You don't like Germans?

What I Heard: "You just can't do that stuff at work..."

Pizza.

The subject of pizza is so extremely subjective that I will not even attempt to discuss the merits of certain types or why I think a pizzeria is better than another.

I will however link to an article that is fascinating, well written, and just happens to fall right in line with my viewpoints/tastes. Someday I will write 2,000 words on here about my love for Pizzeria Bianco, but until then, I'll let Alan Richman do it for me.

Seriously, this is an excellent article if you even remotely care about quality pizza.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30872147//

A Little Tease of Things to Come

Inaugural batch of beer on the stove!

Look for 2South Ale in a store near you soon...(provided it doesn't taste like fermented horse urine)!!

Updates forthcoming throughout the brew process.

So far we started with a homebrew kit (half grain, half malt extract, hops, priming sugar, etc.) and are waiting on the first malt/hop boil as I write this. We're making an American Pale Ale with Cascade and Wilamette hops (not sure on the malt variety- need to do more research). This is basically a test batch and if it turns out even remotely drinkable, then we have succeeded. If we actually manage to get drunk off of this beer, then we have some serious beginners luck.

Stay tuned...

Save the Earth! Do it Now! Do it for the BEER!

Scientists are showing that climate change is affecting our beer. Hops crops (hehe) are being negatively affected by gradual change in air temperature as a result of global warming. The alpha acid levels in hops are gradually diminishing. Alpha acids are responsible for hop bitterness and flavoring.

This is all I needed to hear. I was a good steward of Earth before reading this article, but I am going to be the biggest tree-hugging, carbon-footprint-reducing, recycling, composting, locavore hippie you have ever met. We can't start fucking with the beer!

Do it for the hops!

Source, and read more: http://www.ediblegeography.com/the-taste-of-climate-change/

The Best Food I Have Ever Eaten

Last weekend I ate the best food I have ever consumed. It wasn't that this food was super expensive or decadent or raped my senses- it was just that it delivered. It delivered on all fronts. Let me explain.

I recently spent a weekend in New York City, my first time visiting the City That Never Sleeps. One of the things that I vowed to do when I finally visited NYC was to eat at a Momofuku restaurant. Over the last couple of years, I have read a fair bit about restaurateur David Chang and have concluded that he is a true badass. I really like people who are passionate about what they do, don't compromise or cave to critics, and who swear a lot. I think that if you are successful and swear a lot, then you have achieved some sort of superior being status that the rest of us can only hope to attain. Anyway, I like Mr. Chang's attitude toward food, business, and the public at large, so I wanted to support his endeavors and sample his offerings.

I settled on Momofuku Noodle Bar, as it is the most approachable (read: cheapest) of the Momofuku restaurants. I actually ended up eating here twice over a weekend. Once, as a planned lunch, and again as a drunken stumble-upon at 1AM. I almost pissed myself with glee when we found a still-open Momofuku Noodle Bar serving food at 1AM. Over the course of two visits I ordered a bunch of food that I have never eaten before (but desperately wanted to try) and it was all perfect. And that is the fundamental reason of why I thought I ate the best food of my life at Momofuku Noodle Bar: I wanted to eat the best food of my life at Momofuku Noodle Bar. This was some pinnacle of dining that I had built up in my mind and so desperately wanted it to deliver. It was supposed to be cool because it was in New York. It was supposed to be significant because it was the restaurant of some "celebrity" chef who I deemed to be a badass. It was supposed to be foodie-phenomenal because it served a lot of pork and other things you can't buy at a grocery store. It was supposed to be significant because it was so simple. And it was all of those things. Granted I had no basis for comparison, but I firmly believe that taste buds and experience do not lie. I wanted Momofuku to be the best food of my life, and when it was actually mind-blowingly good and when I felt joy being in the restaurant, I had affirmation that it was the best food I had ever eaten. Confirmation of expectation and delivery on excitement is one of the best feelings a human can have.

Anyway, I ate a lot over the course of my two visits, but the coup d' grace were the pork buns (see photo above). I can't accurately describe these because I'm a nascent foodie, but the bun melted in my mouth like cotton candy does, and the pork belly melted in my mouth like heat applied to butter. I concluded that food which melts but is not normally supposed to is wonderful. I had read a lot about these pork buns. Every article on Momofuku mentions them. They are the proverbial shit. I should mention that I also believe when something is universally acclaimed and still delivers with full-forced awesomeness, then that thing is truly great. Normally I hate things that are universally acclaimed just out of principle, but I still try them. I was ecstatic to find that these pork buns were as good as described by the thousands of people before me. My experience had actually exceeded my severely inflated expectations.

The combination of my experience exceeding my expectation and the fact that the food was truly amazing makes Momofuku the best restaurant I have ever been to and my pork bun the best food I have ever consumed. If you are even remotely intrigued to eat a pork bun after this writing, then I have done my job. Perhaps your experience will surpass your expectations and excitement as well.

Beer Tasting, Volume II

Beer: Three Floyds Gorch Fock

Style: Helles Lager. It's bright.

Bottle: 22 oz. I like big format bottles.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? Mostly because it's named "Fock" and that is funny because I am immature. Partly because I felt like a good German-style helles beer.

If This Beer Were a Celebrity, It Would Be: Heidi Klum, and not just because it's a German-style beer. This beer is bright and cheery and intoxicating, sort of like Mrs. Seal. I would make love to this beer.

Is This Beer Badass? Fuck and yes. The label has some sort of skeleton Poseidon with wings, big Moby Dick whales, old wooden ships (Diversity!), a bird of prey, and hops. My god, this is the greatest beer label ever. Just a huge orgy of awesome. It tastes pretty damn good too.

Initial Taste Note: This beer reminds me of draft Spaten lager, only more awesome. Sometimes Spaten tastes like hay. Not that I've eaten hay, but it tastes like what I imagine hay tastes like. Maybe it tastes like what hay smells like. Anyway, Gorch Fock does not taste like that. It's literally a perfectly balanced beer for the style- surprising amount of hop flavor, but a lot of malt sweetness. If I were a wine nerd, I'd say that Gorch Fock has notes of sunshine, apple seeds, and supermodel tears. You'd agree with me because wine drinkers taste anything that you tell them they should taste.

Secondary Taste Note: As I top off my second glass (remember, big bottle), it hits me that this is what German lagers are supposed to taste like. My Gorch Fock came from about 36 miles away. My last Spaten came from about 4,500 miles away. My Gorch Fock is inherently fresher. It's a good representation of the style to begin with, but it was probably brewed within a month or two of my consumption. It reminds me of drinking beer in Germany, and that is never a bad thing.

Fun Fact About This Beer That I Learned Via a Simple Google Search: Santa Claus has his own helles beer.

Tertiary Taste Note: None. Bottle gone. Damnit. I want another. Focking good beer.

The "Experts" Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/26/22981. Screw those guys. By their collective ratings, this beer is damn near average. This beer is far from average. Stupid subjectivity.

More on Three Floyds: http://www.threefloyds.com/

Rating: I'd definitely drink this again, and I'd encourage anybody in Three Floyd's distribution area to seek this beer out. I think it appeals to the "fizzy yellow liquid" drinkers and the beer snobs alike. A great "session beer" despite the price (about $9 for 22 oz. bottle) and format.

Why I Don't Smoke

I don't smoke cigarettes. Never have, never will. Here is my story why:

I was a husky kid. Husky kids like soda (or pop- stupid Midwesterners) and pretty much anything with sugar in general. As such, husky kids are usually prohibited from unfettered access to sugar. So, when a husky kid happens upon a Barq's Root Beer sitting unguarded in the garage, he turns opportunistic and pounds that shit before anybody realizes it's gone.

The problem with the Barq's Root Beer in question is that my dad had used it as an ash can (he doesn't smoke any more). I didn't know this, and my sugar-glazed eyes didn't allow time for my brain to question why there would be a half-empty can of soda in the garage. So I did what any husky kid in my position would have done and took a Winnebago-sized draw off the can. I drank like this gulp of soda would be my last taste of anything liquid. I drank like my life depended on this drink for the sustenance needed to sustain human function. I drank like I was a fat kid who stumbled upon a lost soda.

As soon as I filled my chipmunk cheeks I realized something was wrong. This soda had a texture. It wasn't carbonated like soda should be. It wasn't sweet and slightly herbal like root beer should be. It wasn't syrupy like most flat sodas get. This shit was thick and grainy, sort of like Cream of Wheat. Had my big gulp tasted like Cream of Wheat, I could have dealt. Hell, it may have turned me off of soda. No, instead my gluttonous slurp tasted like an ashy liquid cocktail of all the bad shit that cigarette manufacturers tell you are in their wares: tar, nicotine, farm chemicals, baby feces. I don't even know what those things taste like on their own, but I swear they were in this root beer.

Anyway, I spit out this mouthful of hell as soon as the fat cells moved out of the way of sensory receptors. As the spittle was hitting the car hood, I realized what I had done. I had nearly ingested cigarette ash. All for a little taste of the good stuff. At that point I had an epiphany: I would never smoke a cigarette. Even if smoking were one-tenth as bad as what I had experienced, it was still horrendous. I should have had a second epiphany, which was that I was fat, and had I not been fat, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this mess in the first place.

I stayed husky for a long while after this incident, but I'm proud to say I never smoked a cigarette.

Beer Tasting, Volume I

Beer: Port Brewing Hop-15 Ale

Style: Double IPA, Imperial IPA

Bottle: 22 oz.

Why did I buy this beer? I have never had a Port beer before. I've read good things about this brewery, this particular IPA is highly rated, and brewer Tomme Arthur supposedly knows his shit.

Label: Stupid. Plane dropping hop "bombs" into a glass. I don't like this label.

Glass used: Stolen Gotham Cask Ale 8 oz. tasting glass.

Food eaten at the same time: Trader Joe's Split Pea soup from a can and pretzel sticks.

Initial taste note: This beer tastes thick. Not unlike a carbonated rum...if rum were made with pine needles and not sugar cane. Maybe it's the alcohol (10%).

Secondary taste note: If this beer were an animal, it would be a mountain goat.

Tertiary taste note: I feel as though there are little farmers in this beer, using hop-coated scythes to till my tongue.

Quaternary taste note: I can't finish this bottle by myself. I'd be too drunk and my mouth feels as though it's imploding. I blame the hops. Supposedly Port uses 15 different varieties and does not publish which ones they use. This is bullshit because I could guess 15 different hops and probably get most of them. There just aren't that are commercially available for a beer like this.

The experts speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/5318/31323

More on Port Brewing: http://www.portbrewing.com/

Conclusion: I'd drink this again, preferably on draft or with a masochistic friend to share the big bottle.

Rating: 6.746. Completely arbitrary. Ratings are stupid. Would I drink it again? Yep. I'd probably even pay for it.

Beer Tasting, An Introductory Post

I like beer. This is not news to anyone who will read this initially. I am going to share my enthusiasm for this substance which brings me so much excitement by writing about my experiences with it. I hope these posts are enjoyed and cause some of you to explore better beer for yourselves. I intend to describe the beers I drink on scales and in contexts not normally used by beer reviewers or even sane people. It's not that beer needs a fresh perspective; I just want to do it differently.

Disclaimer: I am somewhat of a beer snob, but I promise wholeheartedly to be as objective as possible. There is as good of a time and place for a PBR as a Westvleteren 12. If you don't like my criteria and ranking, you can always refer to BeerAdvocate, which is probably the best beer website in existence.

Myintrotoletyouknow

http://www.last.fm/music/OutKast/_/Myintrotoletuknow

Figured it's about time to start writing again. I have lots to share, mostly because I get excited about things and figure that they are worth sharing.

Things to note:

1.) I will try to post as often as possible. Blogs are nothing without content.

2.) I will try to be original. The less recycled content, the better. I can't promise this though. This could turn into some sort of aggregator of things I like. Oh well, deal with it.

3.) I might swear from time to time. Again, deal with it.

4.) I would like some guest posts as well. If you like what you read and feel as though you could contribute something, please do. It might be fun.

Alright, here we go...