Pun's Manifesto

So there aren't many things that I am sure of but I do know a few things I am destined to do.
1. At some point in my life I am going to win the powerball (believe it or don't but it will happen)

2. I will end up with a smoking hot woman, but one with substance beyond her looks. She will be the total package. (Looks, brains, nice, likes sports, and beer)

3. I will own a bar and brew my own beer. Most likely after I win the powerball this will come into play, but it could happen sooner than that.

4. I will continue to hit home runs in softball, but not out of the park, I am destined to only score because of my speed on the bases. (and I am ok with that)

Now you are welcome to your own opinions of what I have declared above. I really don't care of you believe me or not, just don't be surprised when each of those come true. And certainly don't come looking for money when I win the powerball...The people I want to share my good fortunes with, will be well taken care of.

I think it is now important for me to share a few things about what I deem important when it comes to having things in common with someone you are dating. Please keep in mind that these next few things have nothing to do with whether or not the person is physically appealing. Nor do they take into account whether or not the person is smart. This is purely about sharing common interests. Besides, I believe in my declaration above, I have already pointed out that I will end up with someone both smart and beautiful.

Below are five things things that I enjoy a great deal and in order of importance.

1. TV- I come across this honestly, my dad is a TV junkie and so am I. This does not doom the woman as I even enjoy some of the girlier shows i.e. Grey's Anatomy, and some unnamed shows on the CW network.

2. Beer- It should be noted that choosing between beer and TV was pretty difficult for me. I really do love both of them, but I can enjoy TV more frequently than I can enjoy beer. However, beer can enhance my TV experiences. Also, please note that when I say I love beer, I do not mean the mass produced beers from the big 3 (bud, miller, coors). I do give them credit for starting to realize that they need to make other types, but my heart truly lies in the craft brewing industry.

3. Sports- My top three are really fairly close together and all go hand in hand. I love most sports, but I will give you my top ones in order, as well as the ones I do not like. Football is king in my world(college or pro I love them both), baseball comes second (however, I really only enjoy watching the Red Sox play), basketball, and golf. I do not watch hockey or tennis and that should cover the major sports. If I left one out that you are a fan of, please don't let that sway your fandom, it just means I don't care enough to put it in this blog.

3.5- I think it should be noted that not only is watching sports important, but also playing them. I play basketball and softball regularly.

4. Music- I really like rock, some country, some pop, jazz, and some hip hop. I can go to concerts or just listen to the radio, either way works for me.

5. Food- I try to eat healthy, but certain food items are musts once in a while. For this particular entry I love pretzels (more importantly German authentic pretzels with spicy mustard)

Now that we have those five things taken care of, I think we can get to the good stuff. Whoever reads this should know that I am a gentleman and do not take advantage of drunk women. I was not drinking in the story below and for those of you who think I'm a pussy or other expletives for not pursuing this further, you can pucker up and kiss my ass!

There is a girl that I am acquainted with, who is both cute and nice. I know for a fact that she is interested in me(she told one of our mutual friends). Now I have my own reasons for being skeptical about giving this person a chance. (hypothetically this person could work with me and it is never a good thing to "dip your pen in the company ink") I have been resistant to this person, but nice and not necessarily outspoken about my not wanting to pursue anything other than friendship. Lets also say hypothetically a group of us co-workers went out for happy hour and said mutual friend(who it should be noted wants me to date this person) keeps trying to wear down my resistance. Well lo and behold, slowly but surely all co-workers are gone but 3...Myself, cute girl, and friend of cute girl. Friend of cute girl needed to leave but was hesitant because cute girl was pretty drunk and she wanted to make sure she would be ok for the night. So I agreed to take care of her and make sure she made it home safely.

So while cute girl wanted to sleep in her car, I decided we should get some food and I picked a place closer to her part of town so I could drop her off at her house and not let her sleep in her car. So we go to get some chicken tenders and french fries. (editors note, she hates skinny fries...that is frankly bordering on un-americanism) On the way to the restaurant I had decided that I would use this time to get to know more about this girl and see if it would be worth pursuing further.

One, I had already known that this girl did not like beer. She said it tastes gross and although I know I have a beer that she would love (considering she likes fruity drinks) I knew better than to bother trying to make her see the light. So...Strike one!

While at the restaurant I discovered that she does not like sports. Not that she isn't into football or baseball or basketball. Not that she just doesn't watch them on tv, but she just "doesn't care for or follow sports...period" So...Strike two!

Also, at the restaurant I learned that she pretty much only listens to techno. I on the other hand do not listen to techno and couldn't even tell you who anyone in that industry is. For these purposes we'll call that one a foul ball...Not an out but getting closer!

I also came to find out that she is a cat person. Everyone knows there are cat people and dog people. I happen to be a dog person. I have two awesome pups (Hops and Barley)...We will also call this one another foul ball!

I feel compelled to tell you that we were eating chicken tenders with honey mustard dipping sauce, french fries (but not skinny ones), and coleslaw...Upon dipping and biting into the first chicken tender I swear to you these were her exact words "This is some good ranch." I almost spit out my french fry from laughter. I also proceded to make fun of her for the duration of the evening for being a crazy cat lady and making a mess of herself. She spread coleslaw all over the table. I tipped the waiter 30% to make up for her drunkeness.

Back to the last realization. Upon learning that she was in choir in high school, I asked if she watched that Fox tv show (Glee, which happens to be good and about a high school show choir) she tells me that she doesn't get cable. I told her that this was on the free channel Fox and she then admitted that she doesn't really watch TV. Strike three! You're out!

At this point I realized things were doomed. I mean, I was struggling to come up with things to talk about and had to resort to making fun of her being drunk. What the hell do you talk about if you have zero in common? I have no idea and don't plan to waste more time trying to figure that out. I was still nice and a gentleman, holding open the restaurant doors and opening her car door for her.

On the ride to her place, we talked about traveling. We both like traveling which is cool. However, I came to learn that she doesn't even like pretzels or bread in general. Who doesn't like bread?! So I came to the conclusion that even our love for travel could not save this because while I love to travel, I usually plan my travel around the following things. Places where I know they have fantastic beer, sporting events, places where they have good food, and my friends who usually like to partake in the three things I just mentioned...Just sad.

I get to her place and she lives in an apartment complex that has a gate code. She didn't have her clicker or know the gate code, so at this point I just let her out of my car and figured she could walk her own self to her apartment. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and get a nice tasty brew.

In conclusion, I still look forward to meeting that person from number 2 above and realize that cute girl was definitely not her. Also hope that my friend who kept pushing cute girl on me will now leave me the hell alone since I've pretty much exhausted all topics of conversation and would have more luck stimulating my conversation by talking to a child who at least likes to watch television and eat pretzels.