Beer Tasting, Volume VII

Beer: Abita Pecan Ale
Style: Brown Ale
Consumption Method: 12 oz. bottle poured into pint glass.
Alkyhol Content: 5.0%. I actually would have preferred a little more as it's turning frigid fast and I think the beer could have stood up to it. Why can't all beer just be imperial for fall/winter?
Label: Blah. Nothing remarkable here. Abita makes great beers but their design lacks. I would have loved a label with just a giant pecan, but I'm sure that's against FDA laws. Assholes.
Why Did I Buy This Beer? I've never had pecan beer, and I wanted to try pecan beer. "Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about?"
Is This Beer Any Good? Initially I would have said no. I didn't like the first half of my glass. I don't know if it was the food leavins from dinner or if the beer just needed to warm, but I wasn't feelin' anything about it. It tasted like a Newcastle on an introductory cycle of steroids, and that's not a good thing. If I were drinking this blind I would have guessed that it was a brown ale, but a mediocre one. As I hit the second half of the glass my opinion changed. Complete 180. The bitter nut flavor that was present in the beginning turned slightly sweet and lingered like Belgian trippels often do. I really enjoyed this by the time I was done. Thankfully I have five more.
This Beer Would Pair Well With: Galactic, crisp 40-degree air, and a mild cigar. Or, a bottle of Lagunitas Brown Shugga. Let each warm slightly, take one sip of each, shake vigorously, and enjoy the pecan pie baking in your mouth.

The Experts Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/3/35134
More on Abita: http://www.abita.com/
Interesting Abita Tidbit that Probably Interests Nobody: Abita branding was featured prominently in the movie Waiting. I was not aware of Abita's existence before the movie. Because of this, I wrote off the brewery as a movie studio creation or southern regional crap. Then I tried a Turbodog based solely on the name and immediately reversed course. I guess that's my M.O. with Abita: Pass judgment, think better of it shortly thereafter.

Conclusion: I will be drinking the rest of this sixer with Galactic, crisp 40-degree air, and a mild cigar.

Beer Tasting, Volume IV

Beer: Founders Centennial IPA

Style: IPA, duh.

Bottle: Pint draft! That's right, sometimes I actually leave my apartment.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? This was a recommendation from a very enthusiastic waitress. I was feeling indecisive at a bar and asked for a suggestion. The waitress asked, "Do you like IPAs?" I replied, "Does the Pope shit in the woods?" She looked confused and brought me the IPA anyway. She claimed it was her favorite beer ever. I said that was a lofty claim and we got to talking about how Centennial is brewed in Michigan and tastes like camping and how it stacks up against my current favorite beer ever, Bell's Two Hearted Ale. We ultimately both concurred that Dick Bell is a, well, dick, and that we should like other beers more. Suffice to say that I'm not convinced, but Centennial was very decent nonetheless.

If This Beer Were a Female Celebrity, It Would Be: Jennifer Garner. You are hot. I have no problem with you. You are a very fine example of your kind. I would happily settle down with you for the rest of my life and not look back. You are good enough that I would not cheat on you with other female celebrities except for Marissa Miller (Bell's Two Hearted Ale).

Is This Beer Badass? Pretty much, yeah. It's not the Les Stroud of IPAs, but it's Bear Grylls. I'm okay with that. I would let this beer guide me through a swamp of hippos in Equatorial Africa.
This Beer Would Pair Well With: I'm craving brie cheese. I think this would really go well with brie. The best brie I've ever had was from Wisconsin. I love Wisconsin, mostly for their beer and their cheese.

Initial Taste Note: Skipping ahead...

Secondary Taste Note: Still skipping...
Tertiary Taste Note: Let's skip a little more...
Final Taste Note: I have been done with this beer for about an hour. And you know what? I can still taste the hops AND the malt in my mouth. This beer has literally burrowed into the little taste crevices in my mouth. Those little caves that are normally reserved for storing onion and cigar smoke are the site of a raging keg party attended solely by Cascade hops. The Cascades are poor party hosts though because they kicked the malt out of the party and onto my tongue. I really have a bizarre aftertaste sensation happening with this beer: lots of hop bitterness (lupulin!) lodged in my cheeks and some lingering malt flavor (bitter caramel?) stuck on my tongue. It's not bad, it's just very...interesting. I keep moving spit around in my mouth to reconcile the irregularity.

Fun Fact About This Beer That I Learned Via a Simple Google Search: This beer was named for a master-planned community 50 miles due north of Los Angeles.

The "Experts" Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/1199/5441 - I can't say that I disagree with anything that was said. Maybe I'm an expert?

More on Founders: http://www.foundersbrewing.com

Rating/Conclusion: I'd happily drink this again, even over some of my "go-to" IPAs (60/90 Minute, Stone, Lagunitas). I would make it a go-to IPA, except that it's a little difficult to find at bars. Basically it's a tier-two IPA for me, with Two Hearted occupying the only tier one spot. Someday I will profess my undying love for Two Hearted on here...if I can find the words to do it justice.

Beer Tasting, Volume III

Beer: Widmer Drifter Pale Ale
Style: American Pale Ale
Bottle: 12oz
Why did I buy this beer?: I was in a bar and there were few options other than Bud Light and miller light. Also, I will try any beer once!
Tap Handle: Lame. Just has the typical Widmer W and then Drifter Pale Ale. When sitting next to the Shiner Bock ram head tap handle it makes me not want to drink it.
Glass Used: 16 oz red party cup. Pretty lame for this bar to serve beer in plastic cups.
Food Eaten at the same time: None. Although I wish there was a good pretzel or something while I was drinking.
Initial Taste Note: This beer has some light citrus elements.
Secondary Taste Note: My second taste of this beer brings about the flavor you would get if you licked one of those pine tree air fresheners. I've never actually done this, but I can imagine that is what it would be like.
Tertiary Taste Note: If this beer were a celebrity it would be...Mr. Clean! Gotta love that Pine fresh scent...
Quaternary Taste Note: There was one shining light to this beer experience. There were go-go dancers at the bar and in the dark light even the tall Amazonian one looked hot while drinking this poor excuse for a pale ale.

http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/8/46767
More on Widmer: www.widmer.com

Rating: 3.14 I believe the rest of my review explains the low number.
Conclusion: This beer does not meet the standards for my liking. I will not drink this again. I will not drink this in a car, I will not drink this in a bar. I will not drink this pale ale...I will not drink this with a snail.

Beer Tasting, Volume II

Beer: Three Floyds Gorch Fock

Style: Helles Lager. It's bright.

Bottle: 22 oz. I like big format bottles.

Why Did I Buy This Beer? Mostly because it's named "Fock" and that is funny because I am immature. Partly because I felt like a good German-style helles beer.

If This Beer Were a Celebrity, It Would Be: Heidi Klum, and not just because it's a German-style beer. This beer is bright and cheery and intoxicating, sort of like Mrs. Seal. I would make love to this beer.

Is This Beer Badass? Fuck and yes. The label has some sort of skeleton Poseidon with wings, big Moby Dick whales, old wooden ships (Diversity!), a bird of prey, and hops. My god, this is the greatest beer label ever. Just a huge orgy of awesome. It tastes pretty damn good too.

Initial Taste Note: This beer reminds me of draft Spaten lager, only more awesome. Sometimes Spaten tastes like hay. Not that I've eaten hay, but it tastes like what I imagine hay tastes like. Maybe it tastes like what hay smells like. Anyway, Gorch Fock does not taste like that. It's literally a perfectly balanced beer for the style- surprising amount of hop flavor, but a lot of malt sweetness. If I were a wine nerd, I'd say that Gorch Fock has notes of sunshine, apple seeds, and supermodel tears. You'd agree with me because wine drinkers taste anything that you tell them they should taste.

Secondary Taste Note: As I top off my second glass (remember, big bottle), it hits me that this is what German lagers are supposed to taste like. My Gorch Fock came from about 36 miles away. My last Spaten came from about 4,500 miles away. My Gorch Fock is inherently fresher. It's a good representation of the style to begin with, but it was probably brewed within a month or two of my consumption. It reminds me of drinking beer in Germany, and that is never a bad thing.

Fun Fact About This Beer That I Learned Via a Simple Google Search: Santa Claus has his own helles beer.

Tertiary Taste Note: None. Bottle gone. Damnit. I want another. Focking good beer.

The "Experts" Speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/26/22981. Screw those guys. By their collective ratings, this beer is damn near average. This beer is far from average. Stupid subjectivity.

More on Three Floyds: http://www.threefloyds.com/

Rating: I'd definitely drink this again, and I'd encourage anybody in Three Floyd's distribution area to seek this beer out. I think it appeals to the "fizzy yellow liquid" drinkers and the beer snobs alike. A great "session beer" despite the price (about $9 for 22 oz. bottle) and format.

Beer Tasting, Volume I

Beer: Port Brewing Hop-15 Ale

Style: Double IPA, Imperial IPA

Bottle: 22 oz.

Why did I buy this beer? I have never had a Port beer before. I've read good things about this brewery, this particular IPA is highly rated, and brewer Tomme Arthur supposedly knows his shit.

Label: Stupid. Plane dropping hop "bombs" into a glass. I don't like this label.

Glass used: Stolen Gotham Cask Ale 8 oz. tasting glass.

Food eaten at the same time: Trader Joe's Split Pea soup from a can and pretzel sticks.

Initial taste note: This beer tastes thick. Not unlike a carbonated rum...if rum were made with pine needles and not sugar cane. Maybe it's the alcohol (10%).

Secondary taste note: If this beer were an animal, it would be a mountain goat.

Tertiary taste note: I feel as though there are little farmers in this beer, using hop-coated scythes to till my tongue.

Quaternary taste note: I can't finish this bottle by myself. I'd be too drunk and my mouth feels as though it's imploding. I blame the hops. Supposedly Port uses 15 different varieties and does not publish which ones they use. This is bullshit because I could guess 15 different hops and probably get most of them. There just aren't that are commercially available for a beer like this.

The experts speak: http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/5318/31323

More on Port Brewing: http://www.portbrewing.com/

Conclusion: I'd drink this again, preferably on draft or with a masochistic friend to share the big bottle.

Rating: 6.746. Completely arbitrary. Ratings are stupid. Would I drink it again? Yep. I'd probably even pay for it.

Beer Tasting, An Introductory Post

I like beer. This is not news to anyone who will read this initially. I am going to share my enthusiasm for this substance which brings me so much excitement by writing about my experiences with it. I hope these posts are enjoyed and cause some of you to explore better beer for yourselves. I intend to describe the beers I drink on scales and in contexts not normally used by beer reviewers or even sane people. It's not that beer needs a fresh perspective; I just want to do it differently.

Disclaimer: I am somewhat of a beer snob, but I promise wholeheartedly to be as objective as possible. There is as good of a time and place for a PBR as a Westvleteren 12. If you don't like my criteria and ranking, you can always refer to BeerAdvocate, which is probably the best beer website in existence.